The Dichotomy of Happiness and Facebook
Also known as Meta and Boomerbook
I take the word social in social media too literal.
Social graces weren’t meant for social media. It’s nice if they’re observed, but certainly not the norm.
“Social grace refers to the general behavior and attitude of being polite and welcoming to people. It is society's rules for acceptable kindness.” — Etiquette and Manners When Making Friends
This week I had an altercation, well, it wasn’t really that, it wasn’t a fight either; or even a bullying session, it was just yucky.
The social media I love to hate...
Meta formerly known as Facebook is an (evil) necessity for me to stay in touch with friends, connections, and family, especially those at a distance. Most of my 537 friends aren’t on other social media platforms, so I’ve stayed with it since my introduction back in 2009. Meta brought me (sometimes) happiness—connecting with many from my long ago past, and allowing me to stay in touch.
Meta brought a (one-time) joy—reconnecting with Carl (my husband)—who was a distant day dream since our last shared kiss when we were teenagers over 40 years ago.
Over the years Meta (also) brought with it a lot of misunderstandings, lost friendships, and an imaginary social status with connections.
Scrolling Meta is a time succubus. (Or is it a time incubus?) Is this even a thing?
Not everything is as it seems
My online boomer friend A had a fairytale wedding with professionally taken images to prove it. She loved to splash photographs of their newly-built, multi-million dollar home on the country club. Later on, she posed in front of the new Benz Dream Hubby gifted as a first-year anniversary keeper; and both never seemed to have a rogue hair or an eyelash out of place.
(The real truth: the guy was a gigolo who conned her out of her retirement, cleaned out the bank account, and disappeared into the ethers. The car was a lease, and the home was a furnished model they were renting until the new owners took possession.)
The Facebook account was scrubbed clean of any traces of Dream Hubby. Today her feed pages are filled with selfies’’ and grandchildren. No explanation, just like that, Dream Hubby vanished outta sight, outta mind, I suppose.
Exes from another time like to reappear
I relocated from Michigan to Florida for my last year of high school. I met and had a relationship with X, a platinum blonde beach bum with a dark tan. He drove a bright yellow 1974 Porsche 914. He was five years older than me. My parents disapproved. They saw things I didn’t see—but I chose to stay in the off and on again relationship a year past its prime. He didn’t take kindly to the breakup so I jumped on a Greyhound bus with two suitcases and my flute and moved to Wyoming. (I know, extreme, but don’t judge.)
In 2012 X found me on Facebook. I didn’t have a location listed on my profile to preserve privacy as much as I should have; but reading through my updates he deduced we were living a couple traffic grids apart. He was married and delivering mail for a living.
A 2015 study conducted found that a third of people admitted they Facebook-stalked an ex-partner at least once a week, and research has found that those who Facebook stalk their exes are SIX more likely to pursue unwanted intimacy with the ex. — Independent UK
Later that year he was reassigned my neighborhood to deliver the mail. I packed up and moved a few states away with no forwarding address, and blocked him on Meta. He’s been quiet ever since.
Scrubbing my feed from Facebook brain
Content creator Sean Kernan coined the phrase Facebook Brain in his article Angry Boomers Have Ruined Facebook For Me. Basically what it says is that Boomers have trouble disconnecting from divisive issues, and don’t let stuff go.
2024 is another decision making year. There is a lot of stuff going on in the US right now, and for that matter, all over the world. I’m certain the air waves are heating up again, full-throttle, as they have in the past, especially during election years.
Over 2016 and 2020 I lost six fairly close friends over politics. We don’t speak at all. Unfriended, blocked, and erased from my mind, sad but necessary for maintaining mental health.
All tagged and relentlessly tried to impress upon me their opinions, and why they mattered. Over, and over again. After being asked, and finally warned numerous times to stop, I was forced to take drastic action. Years of friendship were erased in an instant with a push of a single prompt button.
Why don’t I unfriend, block, or delete you?
I have a thing. We’re friends because I like you. I know something about you. We share common interests. We may have worked together, knelt side-by-side in church, sat at a bar toasting and drinking shots, taken a learning course, shared gut-busting laughter or mingled our tears in sorrow; or we met in passing, on an airplane or in a bathroom sharing the mirror. We met and got to know one another.
Since 2012 my arbitrary rule is that if you post over five political (rant) memes a day I snooze you for 30 days. If you come back in 30 days, and you’re still raging, you get snoozed again.
You’re then lost in the algorithms and no longer visible. Until you sidle back in with your bursts of anger that once again, invade my happy feed.
The Markup’s Citizen Browser Project found that Facebook users who voted for Joe Biden and users who voted for Donald Trump in the 2020 election held different views on the U.S. Capitol riots – because their social media feeds showed stories that catered to their political biases.
I lost a friend this week, and it hurt
I was tagged in links similar to the one below by the same person. Not once, but three times in a matter of two days…
…and then five additional times she attempted to create these links and memes, and share on my timeline, though at that point I put a security stop up. Once she read my response shared with a respected friend, the attempts and opinions kept coming until I unfriended, blocked, and deleted her. It was a harsh move, but necessary.
You can have your opinion. I respect that. But please don’t try and change my mind or belittle mine.
XXX responds: “I'm ok with internet or in-face jabs. The ones I think are ridiculous (which is in the eye of the reader), I try to tease out whether it's just a crazy person living in a bubble or someone with a legitimate difference of opinion. The good thing about not being at the dinner table is that you can easily walk away on line, either by ignoring or blocking the post. I know it doesn't usually change anyone's views but I enjoy pointing out "logical fallacies" as Thomas Sowell put it. If someone lacks logic, the only way they modify their thinking is the school of hard knocks called life. At least when people write absurd things like men should be able to play women's sports or get pregnant, I can let them know that unlike their small circle of compadres, not everyone is on board.”—end of response.
“…XXX this rant was directed to the person (and she knows who she is) that likes to share talk about the open borders (not as a bad thing, “where else do we get field workers?” - her words not mine) while sitting inside her gated community eating bonbons all day and watching CNN news... I don't care what she posts on the main feed... my problem is when she highlights and tags my name to share her thoughts and opinions, trying to persuade me to change my mind... done in a rather condescending manner, behind the "wall of sweetness—we're friends, you know, blah, blah, blah" all the while she knows I'll battle it out on Twitter, not on here… I typically let things go and move along... it was the third shoutout in two days… I just had to get this particular annoyance off my mind….”— end of my response
20 other friends took time to personally message me—afraid to share across the airwaves about the divisiveness on the matter that prompted my online request.
I’m taking a 30-day break
Was I wrong to post a simple request? Maybe, I don’t know. My personal space (the wall) isn’t for anyone to share or rant their political beliefs - they have their own wall to do so.
It’s hard enough to scroll past and ignore, but a necessary evil, and we all have a right to our own opinion and to express it.
The social in social media is no longer a place we can occasionally share our dog pictures, what we eat for dinner, updates on grandchildren, our Wordle scores, vacation photos or selfies, and whatever other mundane details we Boomers share from our sometimes empty lives.
For me this is a warning.
When I let something this trivial get me upset and drained, I know I’m not spending enough time living my real life. Facebook has an uncanny way of sucking me in. This week I monitored how much time I spent doom scrolling on there… it’s embarrassing.
I spent approximately 17 hours in 7 days, or an average of 2.42 hours a day on a site that doesn’t bring happiness with it.
Pathetic.
I share thoughts, ideas, and experiments for living a vibrant life. It was the why behind Paanprintables. My experiment this month is to shut down the Meta account for 30 days. The experiment will also consist of choosing different ways to fill the time each day.
The start of returning to my happy place is to stop living an isolated online existence and return to reality.
The world is a beautiful place, and this month I plan to take time to look up and out past the screen to enjoy the view.
See you next week!
This is a smart choice you've made, Patti.
Put yourself first- I do not mean it as 'be selfish', but as 'fill my time with who/ what fills me with gratitude'.
This, we owe to ourselves.
And sometimes it requires discipline!
My experience on FB is probably quite different than most. I have very few friends on FB and I hate it when I join a new local in-person group and people "friend request" me. I may accept their friend request, but I immediately unfollow them as I don't want to see them in my feed. I use FB for bookish groups, paid communities and private groups that I belong to, and I think because of that, I don't get all the political BS that most people get. I rarely ever post on FB, I'm just a lurker. I'm sorry that you have the experience you are having on FB, and I think I'm the exception and your FB experience is the reality because of the differences in the ways we use FB. I agree that if someone wouldn't say to your FB what they say to you behind a screen, they shouldn't be saying it. There are a lot of weenies and unfortunately, many of them are just cruel. Just my 2 cents. :)