The Art of Small Talk

Stop asking people what they do for a living!

Photo by Hugh Han on Unsplash

When I dealt blackjack for a career (well, this isn’t entirely true—I really dealt dice but was forced to deal cards on occasion), it was like hosting a nightly party. The players would come and sit at my table to play cards to (mostly) have a good time. And like a good hostess should do, I made sure to cameo and include everyone in our gabfest.

It would always start with small talk.

From behind the table or over a hand of cards, it was easy to exchange innocuous questions and answers such as: "Where are you from?", "What hotel are you staying in?", "Have you seen any shows?", "Have you tried the (most expensive, in-vogue) restaurant?"

Rarely did neutral observations such as the weather start the conversation.

I got really good at making small talk while dealing blackjack or calling a dice game. In fact, if I probed gently, players would often share their secrets, hopes, and desires with little prompting. It was fun learning about people.

That’s what good small talk does: It teaches us something.

Polite encounters

Sitting on a plane or walking into a party, I often meet people I don’t know. If you have social anxiety like me in these chance encounters, you’ll struggle with everyday, neutral, non-confrontational topics. Why? Because they have no meaning.

What's the first question people ask when you meet them for the first time?

Come on, I’m sure it’ll come to you immediately.

Give up?

“What do you do for a living?” or “How is work going these days?” or “Do you like your job?”

It’s an American thing. It has become our social identity. The problem with starting small talk this way is that it immediately implies a hierarchy. For instance, if someone says they are a lawyer and another says they are an elementary school janitor, who will get more respect in the encounter?

In our society, jobs often come with a ranking based on prestige and income. Lawyers are seen as highly educated and well-paid, so they tend to get more respect. Janitors, although their work is essential, often get less respect because of their lower income and job title. This way of judging people by their jobs reinforces social hierarchies and can make some people feel undervalued.

In other parts of the world, asking about someone's job is considered rude. People focus more on personal interests, family, and experiences rather than what someone does for work. This helps to create more equal and meaningful conversations, where everyone is valued for who they are, not what they do.

By moving away from work-focused small talk, we can have better conversations that respect everyone, regardless of their job.

Inside the world of retirement

Let’s talk about small talk in retirement. The first thing we lose after retiring is our identity if it’s been tied up with our work for the last 45 years. This week alone, I had a few encounters that left me feeling terribly violated. I no longer work in my lifelong profession. It has taken me two years to move on and remember that I’m a valuable person even in semi-retirement.

I recently took a part-time job to inspire ideas to write my newsletter. I live in a 55+ HOA where everyone knows everyone’s business. And if they don’t know it, they ask.

“Are you still working at the museum? How do you like it? Is the money good? What’s your schedule like?” asked a nosy neighbor.

“Is she still working? How does she like her job?” my brother-in-law asked my husband.

“Do you work? What do you do? Is there good money in that?” were random questions from a chance encounter at the park while hiking.

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Small talk can energize you

How do we, in semi-retirement, engage in small talk that will energize us and potentially make new friends?

Don’t talk about aches and pains, the weather, or your grandkids—at least not when you’re getting to know someone new.

We want to know about you.

Food, health and beauty, travel, hobbies, and culture are great subjects for small talk.

A few years ago, I was at a memoir writer’s conference in San Francisco. In my group of 12, everyone was paired off as couples except for me and another woman. Naturally, I struck up a conversation with her. I asked if there were any good, healthy restaurants nearby. It turned out she was vegan and looking for a place to eat as well. We Googled, found a place, and walked to it together. We enjoyed a wonderful meal, and the small talk turned into a deep conversation that energized us both.

A year or so later, we reconnected in Tahoe, where I met (through her) my current therapist and friend. Our conversation energized both of us even more than the first time. We’re still in touch today, many years later.

Another time I sat on a plane for five hours, and the time flew by. My seat neighbor complimented me on my makeup and was particularly interested in the type of mascara I was using. We talked about skincare, clothing, and hair for the entire trip. We exchanged phone numbers, and although we’ve never seen each other in person again, we still chat by phone and use social media to stay in touch.

Had either meeting started with ice-breakers such as the weather, grandchildren, or intrusive questions about personal life or career, the likelihood of these encounters lasting past a few mundane questions would have fizzled out.

Reasons it might be difficult to make small talk

There may be times you may come across polite encounters where no matter how curious and engaging you are it simply fizzles out. It may not be your fault.

Here are my top three reasons why trying to get to know someone better may not work.

• Lack of practice. If we are retired or living isolated and inside our homes most of the time, we may lack self-confidence or simply think we have nothing to talk about. And many times we don’t, which is all the more reason to get out and live life to its fullest.

• Lack of common ground. Finding shared interests or experiences to discuss can be difficult. This is particularly troublesome for me now that I’m older. I never had kids, didn’t get married until I was 62 years old, and I don’t care about the weather.

• Perceived Superficiality: Some people find small talk unfulfilling or superficial, preferring deeper, more meaningful conversations. It takes energy to talk, and talking about nothing absolutely drains the energy out of me.

What about you? Do you have trouble making small talk? Or does it come easy for you?

Making small talk is somewhat of an art and really important for connecting with others, especially as we get older. It helps us build friendships, feel less isolated, feel more self-confidant, and enjoy social gatherings more.