Artfully Aging #4
Facing bears Is easy; it's the ghosts of the past that haunt us
Artfully Aging doesn’t always mean having all the answers. Sometimes, it’s about coping the best we can with the circumstances we’re given. This week, I’m delving into one of those not-so-nice aspects of aging that we’re sometimes forced to confront, even if they haven’t surfaced in years: our past—and the ex-wives, husbands, significant others, boyfriends, girlfriends, and whatever other exes might pop into the mix.
Caveat: This discussion does not include broken homes with or while raising children.
Even potentially encountering a bear on my hike this week didn’t trigger anxiety like finding out that an ex decided to reach out after years of silence.
Why?
My husband and I have been happily—no, joyously—married for almost four years. This particular ex was well aware of our new marriage and had kindly and respectfully stayed out of our lives up to this point. No contact, no likes, no follows, no emojis—simply silence.
In fact, there had been no direct connection of any kind, including on social media for a number years.
Until this week.
The covert reach-out came through Facebook as a private message: “Anything I can do for you? Please reach out if you need anything….”
The message was benign, perhaps even meant as a kind gesture. But why now? The issue wasn’t the actual message itself (maybe it was) but my reaction to it, especially since I’m out of town on an extended absence.
In other words, it triggered a visceral response and brought to the surface a problem I have deep, unresolved issues with: dealing with exes.
The neurobiological chemicals took over before I could think, leaving me breathless, my heart pounding, legs weak, and vision narrowing. A wave of dread overwhelmed me, trapping me in a grip of powerlessness panic.
The Facebook message from the ex triggered the panic attack.
The amygdala can bypass sensory processing to trigger an immediate reaction to danger. For instance, when you see something threatening, your amygdala sends emergency signals that make you react instantly, before your brain fully processes the visual; and cascades of cortisol wash through the body triggering the flight-or- fight reaction.—National Library of Medicine
Artfully aging sometimes means confronting and correcting issues from our distant past. Personally, I’ve avoided this challenge for most of my later adult years by not confronting or by leaving relationships when this threat seemed reoccurring. Aging played a role—who needs that stress over 55, especially at 66? It wasn’t always this way, but it became a method of protecting my emotional landscape.
The detrimental effects of cortisol can include:
Accumulating fat in your gut, commonly known as "stress obesity."
Contributing to cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and immune disorders.
Leading to neurological conditions.
Increasing susceptibility to age-related diseases and accelerating aging by shortening telomeres (the chromosome caps associated with longevity).
Are these reasons enough to find a way to cope with sometimes (or often) irrational, yet very real, fears?
Coping Mechanisms
I could run through the usual advice that most all professionals give:
Get a good night’s sleep
Eat well-balanced, healthy meals
Get regular physical exercise
Utilize stress-management techniques
We can find and follow this advice all day, but at the end of the day (for me), it reads and feels like bullshit. I already do all of the above, and guess what? The trigger still ignites the same reaction almost every single time. If the ex(es) is history, why are some compelled to reach back to reconnect?
How does one cope with the unsettling feeling that this intrusion is a potential threat to the peace we've built?
Coping with this isn’t about just brushing it off or pretending it doesn’t matter. It’s about acknowledging that these feelings are valid, that it’s okay to feel disturbed, even angry, when someone from the past unnecessarily disrupts the present. It’s about setting boundaries—not just with the ex, but also within the relationship.
The discomfort might not entirely go away, but how we handle it, how we protect our marriage from these disturbances, is within our control. It's not just about managing the external trigger, but about strengthening the relationship from within, ensuring that it’s strong enough to weather these storms together. Team Petersen.
My husband is a rock. So it’s my responsibility to find ways to cope (on my end) with these disruptions to the contentment and joy we’ve built in our marriage.
I’ve never been married before and didn’t come from a broken home. I don’t know the rules in these matters. But I do feel the discomfort, no make that the panic, I feel panic. I must be honest and call it like I see and feel it.
What Definitely Doesn’t Work for Me (But Might Work for You)
Creative Visualization (The Steps)
Acknowledge the Trigger: Feel the emotion fully—don’t try to push it away, sit with it. (I can’t do this. The emotion is too raw.)
Visualize the Emotion: Give it a shape, size, and maybe a color. It could be a thorny plant, a poisonous blowfish, or anything that represents how the emotion feels to you. (I can do this part with ease.)
Reshape the Representation: Transform that unpleasant image into something beautiful, like turning a tumbleweed into a pink peony. This is meant to reframe the emotion into an opportunity for release. (Nope, no can do.)
Anchor the Feeling: Associate this positive change with a physical expression, like snapping a rubber band on your wrist or pressing your thumb and forefinger together. This gesture becomes a physical trigger to change your emotional state from anxiety to calm or a more positive feeling. (I actually hurt myself after continuing to repeatedly snap the rubber band so hard on my wrist.)
Practice Regularly: The goal is for this to become a memory trigger technique that replaces the amygdala’s automatic response. (Fuh-get-about-it, I’d rather practice hiking with using trekking poles.)
Why This Didn’t Work for Me
I struggle with visualizing. While I can easily visualize the negative, my imagination often spirals into rumination, which is not the desired outcome.
What might work for me
Yesterday, I met with my therapist, who is unconventional, and uses out-of-the-box approaches for healing and clarity.
It will take time, but here's the plan:
A ritual. Each time a trigger arises (and though I hope it never does again, I know this is wishful thinking because the past rarely stays quiet), I will write the feeling, the person, or whatever ignites the anxiety, on a rock. I’ll keep these rocks for about 30 days, and then, at some point, I’ll reread them, reflect on the power they once held, and then throw them all into the lake.
The physical act of this ceremony is meant to release their power, and the water will help cleanse the hold they have on me.
In addition, I’ll play an empowering playlist on Spotify daily and sing the words or dance to the melodies.
The music will create an emotional foundation of strength. When I need to shift my emotional state, the music and words will replace the trigger with the gift of empowering sound. (Many thanks to Eddie Vedder.)
And about that bear—he never actually showed himself, but I was ready with bear mace, trekking poles, and a whistle. Funny how facing a bear seems easier to manage than the anxiety stirred up by an ex.
I want to be your snuggle bear 🐻
I love Eddie Vedder, and block that ex! you don´t need the drama! I read the first half of this I think 10 times and today I finally have time to sit down and read! haha..